Bah humbug, Housewives. “Christmas is my least favorite holiday,” Dina Manzo declares on tonight’s episode.
The other wives aren’t exactly jingling their bells, either. As they decorate their Jersey McMansions, everyone’s just going through the motions. At the Giudice compound, sassy 7-year-old Milania refuses to help Teresa and Joe put up the tree. “I am a girl, I’m not a boy,” she whines. “You put it up.” (Seriously, when is this girl getting her own spinoff?)
Meanwhile, the Gorgas—frustrated that they’re living in a rented home while their new palatial estate is built—put up their (fake) tree, too. Alas, it’s too tall for the pitched ceilings in Casa Rental and Joe can’t fit the top piece. “Just put this up there,” he says, half-heartedly throwing an oversize poinsettia on the half-erected tree.
At the Aprea compound, New Teresa (from here on out, we will refer to Teresa Aprea as New Teresa) and her twin Nicole decorate, but their dad can’t be bothered. “While you’re doing this, I’m gonna go have a cigarette,” papa Sal says. “Cause I’m getting very tired of watching this.”
Dina doesn’t even put up a tree inside (her animals ruin it, she explains), but she does reveal her Christmas wish list: Therapy sessions and Percocet. (Honestly, what do you get the woman who has everything?)
For her part, Amber is far from ho-ho-ho-hum about Christmas. “Everything needs to be perfect!” she says while making gingerbread houses with her family. “It’s just the type of mom I am.”
Even her fire drills need to be perfect. Yes, fire drills. Declaring Christmas a “dangerous time” (who knew?) Amber orders the kids to run from the house while she clocks them with a stopwatch. As the kids run breathless out the door, she shouts, “Too slow, people! Too slow!”
The Gorgas have a slightly more normal idea of family bonding: They take a drive to a plot of land where they’re building their new home. “I’m gonna go a little bit more L.A. chic,” she says of the décor. “I don’t know what that means, but that’s what I like to say.”
Dina and Teresa, who are in the area, stop by to ooh and aah over the dirt and grass. While Dina and Melissa chat, Joe and Teresa have a heart-to-heart about her legal problems. Rather than give her a hug, Joe offers his fist to pound it out. Because nothing says, “I’m here for you” like a fist-bump.
The families continue to bond when they dine with their cousins Kathy Wakile (a former full-time Housewife) and Rosie Pierri. During the cousin gag-gift exchange, Teresa “Ingredientses” Giudice receives a dictionary. “That’s perfect for you!” Melissa exclaims in an unguarded moment. If looks could kill, Melissa would be 6-feet under with the glare Teresa shoots her.
When Christmas morning arrives, Nicole’s boyfriend Bobby comes to her parents’ house to present his gift to Nicole: A wine bottle holder shaped like a high-heel shoe. Nicole’s mom Santa (by the way, that’s really her name) says what we’re all thinking: “I think you went to Colts Neck pharmacy for this. I’ve seen it there.”
Over at the Giudices, Teresa and Joe discuss their legal situation. “I always think about it,” Teresa says. “It” being prison, but prison is like Voldemort from the Harry Potter books: That which can’t be named in the Giudice house. So Joe refers to it as “wherever” or “vacation.” But Teresa doesn’t want to entertain the idea of life without Juicy Joe. “We need you around,” she says. “Always.”
Tell Us: Do you think the Giudices will go to prison?
